(They will say: “How his hair is growing thin!”)


In T.S. Eliot’s poem “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock,” doubtful and insecure Mr. Prufrock contemplates whether he has any right to do anything in the universe especially with the presence of “a bald spot in the middle of [his] hair.” After mulling through his thoughts and the hypothetical thoughts of women regarding the pattern developing atop his head, he asks the question, “Do I dare disturb the universe?” For centuries, men (and sometimes even women) have dealt with the discomfort of the chroming of the dome. The falling of the hair follicles has been proclaimed as the demise of mankind’s capabilities of doing anything remotely cool. In an attempt to forgo the inevitability of the passing of one’s pompadour, many have resorted to covering their craniums with caps and combovers. Some succeed in securing the sensation of being seen as “not-the-guy-who-started-losing-hair”; while others flounder. Whether we like it or not, we are surrounded by Mr. Prufrocks; those whose loss likely leads them to question their quote-unquote confidence in themselves. Although there are definite drawbacks when it comes to the degradation of the dome, there are an equal amount of benefits to being bald. Through weighing the good, the bad, and the ugly of the quaint cue ball, we can see that there are numerous adages that can be said about those whose heads are hairless on top of “bald is beautiful.” And when considering the question Mr. Prufock proposes, it is imperative to understand that some of the most powerful men around lack luscious locks, yet they compensate this loss of locks with their actions.

The Bad of Being Bald

Before we get into the benefits of baldness, let us first address the negative aspects of the infamous glabrous life. The first folly of the depilated dome can be seen in the example of one of modern literature’s favorite knight errants, Don Quixote. In Miguel de Cervantes’ story of the legendary lancer Don Quixote, one of the first things that Cervantes mentions about Quixote is that he became mentally unbalanced because his brain was fried. Sunburns are bad. They hurt, they’re miserable, and they lead to peeling skin. Some people enjoy peeling skin, but no one likes when their skin is peeled. Imagine sunburning a shaven head. There’s no protective barrier between your skinhead and the violent UV rays from the sun. Baldness often leads to burnt brain, in the case of Quixote, which subsequently leads to Quixotic behavior and overall decaying of mental and ultimately physical faculties. If you are considering going chrome, I offer one piece of advice: don’t go outside when the sun’s out unless you’ve first slathered your head with the strongest sunscreen on the market, and capped your chrome with an adequate covering. Please take the necessary precautions.

Along with the prospect of brain burns, inherent with hairlessness is acquiring the title of “lucky friend” in addition to being the bald buddy. Every cohort of friends has at least one bald or balding friend. It’s essential. When the Jazz-Rockets game is close, luck (and even some prayers) is necessary. When the prayers have been offered, the next step is to go to the lucky bald friend. Everyone crowds the bald buddy and rubs his head. Not only is this practice weird, it is uncomfortable for all parties involved and is absolutely fruitless. One bald man tried rubbing his own head and this is what he said: “I rub my bald head all the time.. Don’t think it’s given me any luck .yet.” Another person said regarding the rubbing of a bald head, “eww i think its very strange if you rub a bald mans head you get good luck.i dont believe in that stuff.” Although this practice has been almost entirely devoid of fruition, some bald men had said that they rub their own heads for good luck and it works. One man declared, “I’m bald and I need to rub my own head for good luck!! lol!!” Rubbing a bald head may not be lucky for the rubber, but it might provide immense benefits to the lucky friend.

Benefits of Bald Spots

There are many reasons why being hairless is so heinous, but in actuality being glabrous is great and glamorous. You don’t ever have to worry about having a bad hair day. You can’t have bed head. You will never have to buy combs. You may still have to use shampoo and conditioner, but it’s totally your choice. And most of all, there are many successful bald men to keep you company in the event that your hair escapes your head.

Lex Luther. Former associate of Superman. He was a very successful business magnate and owner and creator of LexCorp, the incredibly lucrative aerospace engineering firm based in Metropolis. He made some of his most important life decisions immediately after losing his locks in a lab accident. Rather than moping around complaining about losing his hair, he took initiative and moved up in the world.

Walter White. Before he was Heisenberg, he had a full head of hair. This isn’t to say that men who manage to maintain their manes are less successful than those who fail to do so. Walter was a high school chemistry teacher, but it wasn’t until he got cancer that he unleashed his full potential. Although the hair loss came initially as a result of chemotherapy, he decides to keep his dome clean even after he goes into remission. As is so with Lex, Walter made himself into the man we know him as today after bic-ing his head. If it weren’t for his decision to shave his head, the crown he would later inherit as the meth kingpin of the Southwest region of the United states wouldn’t have been able to fit. He wouldn’t have made the decision to kill his rival and former boss Gustavo Fring. He wouldn’t have been able to earn sufficient funds to pay for his cancer treatments, and he wouldn’t have been as remembered as he currently is. Some say that being bald makes you blend in and get lost in the crowd. This is not so. Being bald makes people remember you even more. Once you make the choice to go chrome, people will remember your name and they will say it.

Thanos. Last on the list is one of the most powerful men in the universe. He hails from one of Saturn’s moons, Titan. Many people have been upset that the Russo Brother’s portrayal of Thanos in Avengers: Infinity War isn’t true to the comics because Thanos is always shown wearing armor; particularly a helmet. Although some say that he doesn’t look as fierce as he would with a helmet or with armor, without the helmet he is able to accomplish his goal of showing what he calls “mercy” to the universe. Thanos considers Mr. Prufrock’s question, “Do I dare disturb the universe?” and answers with a resounding and universe-shaking “yes.” Of all the bald men listed, Thanos shows bald men can be successful and indeed have the commitment and drive to disturb the universe. He stands as a pillar of the band of bald brothers universally. His work ethic and commitment to a cause and his goals is definitely something to snap to.

So, whether you, or your friends suffer from acute or actual depilated dome, don’t worry too much. You’re in good company and you don’t have that much to fret about. Mr. Prufrock asks the questions, “Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?” and doesn’t give a straight answer. He states that “[he] shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.” He continues claiming that he “[hears] the mermaids singing each to each,” but he doesn’t “think they will sing for [him].” Rather than allowing the chroming of the dome to cripple your confidence, take courage in the fact that you can be successful like the aforementioned shaven yet highly outstanding men and make your mark and disturb the universe.

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